The Wound No One Wants to Name: Marital Abuse
When Abuse Is Hidden Behind a Wedding Ring
Many women remain silent not because they lack faith, but because they are trapped between fear, vows, and misunderstanding God’s heart.
The truth is, not only do people not want to talk about it, but they also don’t really understand its complexities. As a survivor, it absolutely feels like it carries a harsher stigma. What am I talking about? Marital rape. As I type those two words, anxiety rises up in my chest. It has been 27 years since my ex-husband raped me.
Like so many survivors, I have endured more than one violation. I have walked through eight years of healing from sexual abuse, discussing things from my childhood and my singleness. Even after years of hard work, taking several of our Shelter From The Storm groups and then leading these groups, it was only a few months ago that I felt ready to discuss this rape. This is the violation no one wants to talk about.
The Silence Around the Unthinkable
If you have experienced this horrible abuse, my heart truly aches for you. If you’ve been silent and afraid—I’m so sorry. I’m here to tell you I understand. You are not alone. Ten to fourteen percent of all married women will, unfortunately, endure this trauma. #1
The Lies That Keep Survivors Silent
Honestly, the biggest hesitation in discussing marital rape is that it feels like it comes with another layer of shame and harsh judgment. This is the very reason I held off sharing—not only the fear of judgment from others, but having to wrestle with my own judgment.
In the back of my head, I fought the echoes of judgment, sounding something like this: What the hell was wrong with you? How come you couldn’t see his blaring red flags before you married him? How did you miss all the signs? How could you be so stinking desperate for love that you picked a monster to marry?
Then I imagine all the doubts and accusations others would say to me. Those imagined voices kept me silent for so long. Every time I’d muster up the courage to share my experience, accusations would swirl in my head like: How fundamentally damaged do you have to be to be raped a second time? He was your husband—that can’t be rape. You didn’t scream… you let him.
Obviously, no one asks to be raped. But the mere fact that I picked a man of such low character—an evil man—feels like an indictment on me. This wasn’t some random guy who attacked me in a dark alley; this was my husband. The searing pain is that marriage comes with a dedicated promise of protection, love, and safety—and all of those hopes and dreams were shattered.
If this sounds like the story you’ve told yourself, I’m here to tell you these lies don’t have to silence you anymore. Trees of Hope is here for you. We want to help you replace these lies with the truth. You are seen. You are loved by God. And you deserve to heal. Marital/partner rape is real. Your pain is real. My pain is real. Whether it happened once or many times, whether it happened 30 years ago or 3 days ago.
Why Marital Rape Is So Hard to Understand
For women raped by an intimate partner, the harm rarely ends when the assault is over. Many are forced to remain connected to the very person who violated them through shared children, schools, housing, or other unavoidable ties. What makes this trauma even more complicated is that some survivors still deeply and genuinely love the person who hurt them. They are left trying to reconcile profound betrayal with lingering attachment, all while living with the fear that it could happen again. Simply put, marital rape is painfully complicated.
A Word to Christian Women Who Feel Stuck
If you are a Christian woman reading this and finding yourself wrestling not only with fear, but with Scripture, vows, and what you’ve been taught about marriage, I want you to pause here for a moment. You are not alone in that struggle. Many women in Christian marriages endure this abuse in silence because they are unsure how to reconcile what happened to them with their faith. They fear dishonoring God, breaking vows, or being seen as unspiritual for even naming the harm.
There is far more to say about the theology surrounding marriage, consent, and God’s heart for His daughters—and we will go there. What you need to know right now is this: God does not ask His daughters to endure violence in the name of holiness. Abuse is not submission. Silence is not faith. And suffering in secret is not what God intended when He designed marriage.
If this is touching something deep in you, stay with us. There is clarity, truth, and freedom ahead—and your faith does not have to be sacrificed for your safety.
In the coming month, we will be sharing a follow-up blog that goes deeper into the theology of marriage, consent, and abuse—specifically for Christian women who may be feeling stuck, conflicted, or afraid to name what they’re experiencing.
Why Speaking Up Can Be a Matter of Life and Death
Research also shows that women who are raped by their partners face a significantly increased risk of being killed by those same partners. #2 This is why speaking up is so vital—it could be the difference between life and death.
If you are reading this and recognizing yourself in these words, please hear this clearly: what happened to you was not your fault, not your failure, and not a reflection of your worth. Consent does not disappear with a wedding ring, and neither does your right to safety, dignity, and healing. Your story matters. Your voice matters. And sharing your pain does not make you weak; it makes you brave. Healing is possible, even after betrayal this deep. You are seen, you are believed, and you do not have to carry this alone anymore. We are here to serve as a support system for you—whether in person in a Shelter Group or through Shelter Online. We want to help you heal from this trauma.
A Word to Christian Women Who Feel Stuck
If you are a Christian woman reading this and finding yourself wrestling not only with fear, but with Scripture, vows, and what you’ve been taught about marriage, I want you to pause here for a moment. You are not alone in that struggle. Many women in Christian marriages endure this abuse in silence because they are unsure how to reconcile what happened to them with their faith. They fear dishonoring God, breaking vows, or being seen as unspiritual for even naming the harm.
There is far more to say about the theology surrounding marriage, consent, and God’s heart for His daughters—and we will go there. What you need to know right now is this: God does not ask His daughters to endure violence in the name of holiness. Abuse is not submission. Silence is not faith. And suffering in secret is not what God intended when He designed marriage.
If this is touching something deep in you, stay with us. There is clarity, truth, and freedom ahead—and your faith does not have to be sacrificed for your safety.
Prayer:
Dear Lord, I know holding this unexpressed pain is destroying me. I want to share this story with a safe person, but I’m afraid of being judged, being dismissed, and being accused. Please help me seek help and counsel with safe individuals. Show me who is safe. I am grateful that nothing is hidden from You. You know the complexities, and You will make a way for healing to blossom in my life. I love You, Lord. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
#1. (Finkelhor, D. and Yllo, K., License to Rape, The Free Press, New York, 1985)
#2. (Bergen, R., Wife Rape: Understanding the Response of Survivors and Service Providers, Sage Publications, California, 1996)
