Forgiveness Is Freedom, Not Forgetting

The Freedom Forgiveness Brings

Forgiveness does not change the past. It changes the power the past has over your present.

A Conversation on Forgiveness

I knew there would come a day when I had to tell someone about the abuse I endured at my father’s hands.

After a year of counseling and learning to live more honestly in my faith, I finally told my brother. I believed it was a safe place. It wasn’t. Within days, my entire family knew. Then my phone rang.

“Why are you spreading lies about me? I should come over there and kill you.”

I answered, “If I see you coming down my street, I’ll call the police.” Then I hung up. That was one of the hardest conversations of my life.

For many survivors, moments like these leave us wondering if forgiveness is even possible. We know Scripture calls us to forgive, yet our hearts still carry wounds that seem impossible to release. That tension is where many of us live. It certainly was where I lived.

Forgiveness Is Part of Healing—but Rarely the First Step

When you’ve experienced childhood sexual abuse, forgiveness can feel impossible—or even wrong. Too often, survivors are told to “just forgive,” as though forgiveness is a quick decision that erases years of trauma. It doesn’t.

Healing comes first. Safety comes first. Learning to tell the truth comes first. Then, over time, God begins to do something remarkable. He gently leads us toward forgiveness—not because He dismisses our pain, but because He longs to free us from carrying it forever.

Forgiveness is one of God’s gifts. It is never forced. It is always formed by His grace.

What Forgiveness Is Not

One experience in my own journey helped me realize just how much I misunderstood forgiveness. Years ago, while serving as a hospital chaplain, I shared part of my story with a Catholic priest who was also a chaplain.

As he learned more, he continually encouraged me to press criminal charges against my father. Each time I answered, “I’ve forgiven him.” But every conversation stirred something inside me. The more we talked, the angrier I became.

Eventually, I realized something painful: I had spoken the words, but forgiveness had not yet reached my heart. That realization became another step in my healing.

Forgiveness is not:

• Pretending nothing happened.

• Minimizing the abuse.

• Excusing the perpetrator.

• Protecting the person who caused harm.

• Denying pain, anger, or grief.

• Trusting someone who has proven untrustworthy.

• Removing healthy boundaries.

• Eliminating consequences or accountability.

• Using Scripture to avoid facing reality.

Forgiveness is never denial. It always begins with telling the truth.

What God Was Teaching Me

Looking back, I can see that these two experiences were deeply connected. The phone call exposed the depth of my father’s brokenness, while the conversations with my fellow chaplain exposed the depth of my own unresolved pain. Both became invitations from God.

I came to understand that forgiveness is not primarily about the person who wounded me. It is about what happens inside my own heart. Unforgiveness keeps us connected to the abuse. It continually reminds us of what was stolen and convinces us that we somehow have to carry the weight of justice ourselves.

But God never asks survivors to carry both the wounds and the responsibility for justice. He simply asks us to trust Him with what only He can do.

That doesn’t mean justice doesn’t matter. It means justice belongs in the hands of the One who judges perfectly while healing completely.

The Gift God Gave Me

Years later, my father was dying in the hospital. The last words he had spoken to me were a threat. Still, I went.

When I entered the room, it was just the two of us. He looked at me and quietly said, “Son, I hope you can forgive me. I’m so sorry.”

“I do, Dad.”

The next day, he died. Later, my mother asked me to pick up his belongings from the hospital. When I arrived, the nurse asked if I wanted to see him one last time.

I walked into the room alone, stood beside his bed, kissed him on the forehead, and whispered goodbye. As I walked out of that room, I realized something: forgiveness had not changed my past. It had changed me.

The abuse was still real, and the losses were still real, but they no longer defined me. God had quietly been setting my heart free.

What Forgiveness Is

Forgiveness is releasing into God’s hands what only He can carry. It is surrendering our desire for personal revenge and trusting God’s perfect justice.

As survivors, we have already carried more than enough. God has not called us to spend the rest of our lives carrying the offender, carrying our pain, and carrying justice too. He invites us to lay those burdens at His feet so He can continue healing our hearts.

Forgiveness is:

• A decision to release personal revenge and entrust justice to God.

• A process empowered by God’s grace that unfolds over time.

• An act of freedom that loosens bitterness without denying the truth.

• A choice that can exist alongside healthy boundaries, accountability, wisdom, and justice.

Forgiveness does not change the past. It changes the power the past has over your present.

If you’re reading this and wondering whether you’ll ever be able to forgive, know this: you don’t have to force it, you don’t have to pretend, and you don’t have to rush.

Simply keep bringing your heart to Jesus. He is gentle with wounded people. As He heals your heart, He will also give you the grace to open your hands and trust Him with justice.

Forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgiveness is freedom.

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander... Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” — Ephesians 4:31–32 (NLT)